What Actually Happened to Whatshisname
by Starburst22
Summary: When Starscream encountered Professor Princess after his unfortunate miss-hap with Optimus Prime and the Allspark, he left her unaware that she had decorated his wings with embarrassing decals. Blitzwing and Lugnut send out a distress signal, Starscream goes to find them, but Blackarachnia finds him instead. Oops. Awkward situations ensue.


**A/N: I haven't updated anything on this site in about four years. I am a terrible authoress. That having been mentioned, this piece is pretty much just a really,** _ **really**_ **edited version of my old "So that's what Happened to Whatshisname!" Well, I say "pretty much"—I mean that it's nothing at all like the old piece. In fact, I would argue that's it's far better than the old one, and I encourage you all to read it (not the old one, oh gosh not the old one…this one). My writing skills have definitely improved within the last four years, and my tween-ish sense of fangirl-ness is less cringe-worthy (loljkiluvStarscreamforealz).**

 **P.S. To all of my beloved fans that I have left hanging for four plus years, I am truly sorry for not updating. I am so appreciative of your guys' reviews and P.M.s—really, I am. I sincerely question y'all's tastes in literature (because my old scrap SUCKS and I STILL get such nice comments), but I still love and appreciate the kind reviews you guys send me. *Sends love as recompense***

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Transformers, these characters, or the episodes referenced in this fanfiction. I want to work for the people who do own it someday, but that's a whole other disclaimer.**

"Phew! That could have been humiliating!" Starscream exclaimed. Professor Princess waved at him enthusiastically from upon the demolished forest floor, but he paid her no mind. At least, he tried not to. She had proven herself to be an intolerable pest. He was glad to be rid of the pint-sized fleshling, but he found it difficult to abolish her from his thoughts. He could not bear to acknowledge the reality of their interaction. She had been very…aggressive, and packed a punch somewhat more painful than he had imagined an organic could have.

"That flying, pink brat… Who does she think she is, trying to blackmail _I_ , Starscream, into submission? Humph!" He revved his engines angrily in response to his own remarks, speeding off through the clouds towards Earth's outer atmosphere.

Any other Con would have said that she had beaten him. _He,_ of course, wouldn't have considered it " _beating"_ (that was too inaccurate a description, as he was familiar with Megatron's wrath, after all). Rather, it was more akin to…negotiating his cooperation through the use of excessive violence. It was not his nature to pass up a golden opportunity (which she had most certainly, definitely presented), especially when his reputation was at stake.

He had nearly broken through the stratosphere when two Decepticon distress signals beeped across his HUD. They momentarily shocked him from his internal monologue, and his altitude dipped in response.

"Decepticons? Here, on this planet? I thought they had all returned to Chaar..." He had not expected to come across any other Decepticons on the organic mud-ball he found himself trapped upon. After they had abandoned the Nemesis, he was certain they had all returned to that Decepticon-controlled wasteland or went offline. He had personally hoped for the latter, but the reports that he had picked up from aboard the remains of the Nemesis said otherwise.

The dots upon his HUD blinked red with steady repetition in an effort to prove their legitimacy. He considered the possibility that his systems might be glitching. The planet's climate was ridiculously humid and had previously obstructed some of his other functions, after all. But once he had tried rebooting them and a few nanokliks had passed, the signals remained in place. They originated from somewhere south of his location, clustered around a region that was not far from where he had encountered the crazy fleshling.

He considered ignoring the signals and letting whomever they belonged to fend for themselves. This was partly because he had no interest in assisting anyone at the moment, and partly because he was reluctant to come across the femme fleshling again. Yet, it could be an opportunity for him to find favor as the Decepticon's new leader. The concept was still foreign to him, albeit much appreciated. He had always known that he was destined to lead the Deceptions, but its realization was a surreal experience that he had yet to fully comprehend. Regardless, if he were to prove himself no better than Megatron, what reason would the others have to follow him? Perhaps it was time to officially introduce himself as the true Supreme Ruler of the Deceptions.

Abruptly altering his flight path, he spun downward towards the signals. He shifted his wings and angled his nosecone to increase his velocity, instilled with a newfound vigor to reveal himself to his fellow Decepticons. It did not take him long to near the designated island's tree-line; he darted above the pines, cedars, and firs with ease and swiftness. He thought of all the ways he might introduce himself: what he might say, how he might transform into his root mode before them, whether he should land with a spin or with a flip, whether he should mention how easily Megatron was defeated or—…

"Ah! What the frag?!" he gave an undignified squawk as his wings were suddenly caught in a thick strand of some sticky residue. His helm and chassis lurched and he felt nauseated by the abruptness of his halt. The sudden stop briefly disoriented his systems, but he was able to recover his senses quickly. He was not kept ensnared in the branches for long, as he managed to tear his way through some of the substance with his claws once he had transformed. Released from the trees, he fell a short distance to the forest floor below. Ironically, he found it difficult to keep moving as traces of the webbing remained attached to him (it hadn't been as difficult to transform, which he found peculiar). Struggling in vain, he growled out a plethora of curses and profanities at the planet, believing that it was some form of natural occurrence that had ensnared him.

"Starscream!? What the Pit are you doing here? That wasn't meant for you, you fool!" a shadowy, eight-legged creature exclaimed from a secluded spot amid the trees. She nimbly detached herself from her hiding place and transformed into her root form, a grimace plastered beneath her helmet. "I suppose it's rather satisfying, though, seeing you all tangled up like a helpless turbo-fox ready for the slaughter."

"Blackarachnia," he growled, both displeased and astonished to see the mutated Decepticon scientist on the same planet as he. "What are _you_ doing here? I ejected you into space! There is no way that you could have survived in that environment considering your…condition." He ground out the last part with a scathing grin, fully aware of the response it would elicit from the she-spider.

Blackarachnia hissed but did not appear to be as badly fazed by his comment as he had expected. Instead, she crossed her arms over her chassis, cocking her helm to the side as she considered the struggling Seeker before her. "Yes, well, sorry to disappoint, but my organic half is more than capable of surviving out there. Sure, it might not be up-to-par with my old self, but it's better than some of the alt-modes I've seen around lately. Besides, I've been _itching_ to visit my favorite Seeker and thank him for that generous trip," she mocked, closing the distance between them in just a few steps, a mock-seductive smirk upon her mouthplates. "It was very flattering."

"I wouldn't have done it had you not attempted to usurp my authority! You dared to challenge my leadership and paid the price. And you will pay it two-fold if you do not release me from these bindings at once…" he struggled in the remaining webbing, but he could not dislodge himself from it.

Blackarachnia watched him with a dangerous glint in her optics and made no effort to assist him. She found his desperation amusing. Starscream was a coward, and whenever he came across a threat that he couldn't handle—such as herself—he generally reacted in such a pathetic show of petulance. He seemed more on edge than usual, however, and she wondered what could have caused it. She considered prodding him about it when she caught a glance of the backside of his wings. Gasping audibly, she made to cover her surprise so that he would not become suspicious. It was to no avail, however, as the Seeker caught wind of her muffled snickers and became perturbed.

"What? What is it? An Autobot? Release me so that I can—!"

"Oh, quit your glitching! It's not an Autobot, but if you must know…it's your wings."

She pointed at the offending objects with a smirk upon her mouthplates, and Starscream tried to swivel his helm so that he could see where she was pointing. It was a fruitless endeavor. No matter which way he turned, his wingspan was too broad and his range of motion too limited. Inhibited by these factors, he was forced to rely upon her observations to determine what exactly was going on with his wings.

"My wings? What the Pit are you talking about? There's nothing wrong with my wings."

"Oh really? Is that why they've been painted with such hideous decals? You haven't sired any creations while I've been away, have you? I think your sparklings might have gotten into your paints. Never knew you kept such gaudy colors, though…"

Starscream scowled, irritated by her mockery. "What on Cybertron are you going on about!? I haven't got anything on my—…!"

"Don't tell me you haven't seen those pretty little flowers and rainbows plastered back there? And here I thought you claimed to be observant. I must confess, I find them very fitting of your charming personality," she pointed to the scribbled designs on the back of his wings, smirking with a cruel glint in her optics.

It took him several nanokliks to understand just what she might be referring to. Once he figured it out, however, his optics widened in horror. Realizing that the human child had fixed more of him up than just his faceplate, an incredible urge to take flight and never show himself to the accursed techno-organic again surged within him. Powering up his thrusters, he made a valiant effort to get himself off of the ground and anywhere but where he was. This quickly failed, as his bindings obstructed his ability to take off successfully. The result of this failure was an unfortunate crash-landing in the trees right beside the place he had been standing. His cheekplates flushed a dark hue of pink, as he was now humiliated, undignified, and thoroughly stuck in the branches, all qualities unfit for the Supreme Leader of the Deceptions. Scrambling to come up with an excuse that would preserve whatever scraps of dignity remained, he blathered whatever came to his processor.

"No, it's nothing like that! I didn't intend for this to happen! After that Auto-fool launched me into that disgusting, organic forest, I found myself in stasis lock with no way to reactivate my systems alone. I ordered this organic female to do it for me, but she refused to comply! Demanding I say 'please,' I declined her foolish request, but she blasted me with this magical rainbow thing, and then insisted upon 'fixing me up.' I thought she meant she'd reactivate my systems, but instead, she splattered me with this paint stuff, threw some hideous helm covering on me, and threatened to take a picture and send it across the _entire galaxy!_ None of this would have happened had that Prime just given me the Allspark in the first place!" Ex-venting heavily, he attempted to continue wriggling himself free while Blackarachnia stood there with optics wide and mouthplates quirked into a frown.

"Allspark? You mean the Autobots have it?"

"Unfortunately, yes. Their leader managed to unlock its energy potential and used it to fight me off. As I said, the outburst put me into stasis lock, but from what I saw before I deactivated, the Prime suffered more serious damage from the surge. I don't expect those Auto-fools to come out of hiding for some time; you know how much time they take to reorganize their ranks when they lose their leaders. Now, if you would release me, I'll pretend that this meeting never happened and—AH!"

The she-spider hissed, plunging the pincer-like appendages on her back into the Seeker's chassis. He cried out as his energy and abilities were absorbed. Blackarachnia paid no attention to his pain and wrenched her pincers from his chestplate angrily.

"You idiot! You allowed the Autobots to take the Allspark from right beneath your pedes. Now there's no way that I will find it! You've ruined all my plans, and for that you will pay…"

She made to swipe at him with her claws, but in one last effort to appease her, Starscream shrunk into himself and widened his optics in terror, shouting "Wait! I can help you find the Allspark. I know where the Autobots are keeping it!"

This was a bold-faced lie, but she appeared to buy it. Slowly lowering her claws, she narrowed her optics and nodded, signaling that he should begin to explain. Using this brief opportunity to save his aft, he began to weave a semi-genuine tale of his time on Earth. He mentioned crashing the Nemesis, scanning his alt-mode, encountering the Autobots, and some other, less-true accounts of his determining their energy signatures and narrowing their location down to a few areas within the city of Detroit. Finishing his crafty tale with a pleading smile, the femme seemed to believe him.

"So you mean to tell me that you destroyed the Nemesis, let an Autobot put you into stasis lock, allowed a human child to doodle on you without getting squished, and found the Allspark after having it snatched from your grimy clutches? And you think that I should believe you?"

"Well, perhaps not the "let", "allowed", or "grimy" parts, but more-or-less, yes."

"Well, I can't wait to tell the rest of the Decepticons this story and see what they think of your exploits. I'm sure it will make several interesting rounds around the rec. rooms back on Chaar, and perhaps make a few more enemies for you to avoid. Enjoy getting some less intelligent glitch to believe that scrap."

She made to turn around and disappear into the forest, but Starscream immediately began to protest. Apparently, she hadn't bought his story as much as he thought she would. Thus, he opted to engage his second plan-of-action and hoped that it would be more effective.

"Wait! All right, I may not know where the Allspark is right now, but I _do_ have the tools to find it once more. You've got nothing, arachnid—you need me."

She halted in her tracks. That had gotten her attention. It was true that she didn't have the tools to locate the Allspark now that it had been confiscated by the Autobots. She had used the Nemesis to track it before, but it had been sheer luck that she had found the coordinates and that she had managed to defeat Lockdown the way she did in the first place. She doubted that such coincidences would be in her favor again.

"...What do you want?" She conceded that she would have to cooperate with Starscream in order to find the Allspark once more. It was an unpleasant arrangement, but nothing she hadn't done before. She might have to watch her spinal strut more closely than she had for the past few stellar cycles, but she was willing to take up that burden. If it meant purging herself of her organic half, any price would be satisfactory.

Realizing that he had gained the upper-hand, Starscream smirked. He stopped squirming and righted himself to his full height. Tilting his helm towards the webbing encircling his chassis, he signaled for her to remove the substance. She did as he implied, slicing through her trap with ease. Finally at liberty to move his servos, Starscream took a moment to consider how he should voice his proposition. He didn't want the techno-organic to get the Allspark. He was too familiar with her lust for its power, and also aware of how treacherous she tended to be in her efforts to find it. Thus, simply leading her to it was out of the question. Besides, he had his own agenda for utilizing its power—it would be a shame to let it go to waste on the techno-organic. For now, he decided that he could just use her to clean the paint on his wings while he came up with another plan. It was a menial task, he supposed, and he delighted at the prospect of it humiliating her more than it did him.

"For starters, how about you get this accursed paint off of my wings. Since you're the one who so kindly pointed it out to me, I think you should have the honor of scraping it off."

He turned around so that she could have access to the aforementioned appendages, plastering an annoying smirk across his faceplate as he did so. Blackarachnia scowled but did not object. She knew that there was no point in arguing with the stubborn Seeker, and now that he was free there was less of a chance that she could simply force her will upon him through combat.

"Kneel down. I can't reach it from this height."

"Why don't you climb higher?"

"Why don't I poison you and leave you here for these Earth creatures to feast upon your dying chassis?"

"Oh? Is that a threat? How daring of one who is so dependent on the talents of her new leader."

"Shut up and get on your knee-joints."

He scoffed, doing as she asked, albeit begrudgingly. He bent forward so that she could have easier access to his wings. She went around him so that she stood along his side, near the place where his wing met its joint along his spinal strut.

For some reason, he had expected her to use a rag and some cleaning solution to remove the human child's drawings. A sharp, stinging pain searing up along his wing proved otherwise. Blackarachnia began using her claws to scrape the paint off. It was nothing permanent so it came off easily. However, she made no effort to be gentle, and in fact concentrated on making the process as painful as she was able.

Starscream hissed at her in response, lurching upward so that the femme had to quickly step back in order to avoid being struck by his aft. He wheeled around to growl at her, narrowing his optics and glaring into her equally irritated optics.

"Be careful, otherwise I might reconsider our agreement."

"I wouldn't do that if I were you, fly-boy. Your wings might have more than a few pretty decorations on them if you end up double-crossing me."

Unwilling to arouse her ire further (for the sake of his precious/sensitive appendages), Starscream returned to his previous position. Blackarachnia continued to scrape the paint off of his wings—albeit a slight bit more carefully—and was done in less than a megacycle. They were both silent during this time (which surprised Blackarachnia as the Seeker had a reputation for being incessantly chatty).

Starscream had been thinking of a strategy to lose the femme once she had cleaned his wings, and had come up with one that he hoped would work well. As Blackarachnia stepped back from the task, uttering a faintly disgruntled "Done" as she did so, Starscream quickly rose to his pedes and abruptly turned to face her. The two stared at each other with darkened gazes; neither of them moved for several nanokliks.

Starscream had considered just shooting the techno-organic and leaving her to rust. A change of spark had overtaken him somewhere along his thought processes—the kind gotten when a better opportunity is realized—and so he opted to send her on a goose-chase instead. It might end up well for him, or it might not. Regardless of the outcome, he thought it better to send the techno-organic out on a mission rather than to simply offline her. He believed it was possible that she might be useful in the future. Besides, it wouldn't be good for his reputation as leader of the Decepticons if it was found out that he had offlined one of them for no good reason.

"Here are the coordinates where the Allspark might be located. Triangulate them and determine the ones that seem most probable. Report back to me with your findings."

Blackarachnia glared at him suspiciously. She sincerely doubted that he was being genuine, and intended to get the actual truth from him, by whatever means necessary. She stepped forward angrily, but Starscream stopped her with a raised servo. His blaster was aimed at her chestplate, and they both knew that he presently had the upper hand. He narrowed his optics but did not fire.

"Don't test me, spider. Do as I command and return to these coordinates with your findings. They'll lead you to the Nemesis, or at least, what remains of it… Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be off."

He turned and seemed as though he would transform, but Blackarachnia attempted to stop him.

"If I find that you've double-crossed me, Seeker, I swear that I'll—…"

"You'll what? Offline me? That would be unwise, Blackarachnia, as I am your new leader. You'd best get accustomed to calling me Lord."

He quickly transformed and jetted off into the direction of the Decepticon distress signals. He didn't think that the coordinates would actually result in the location of the Allspark, but he thought that it couldn't hurt to try them anyway. And as he busy gathering up the remaining scraps of his army, he hoped that the she-spider would help alleviate some of his burdens by doing the work for him. So far as he could see it, it was a win-win…for him, at least.

"…Share your unfortunate predicament with some interested buyers," Blackarachnia finished her threat quietly, "Honestly, who wouldn't exchange a few credits worth of information for the sake of having some pictures of the Decepticon's Second in Command with cute little wing decorations? The opportunities for blackmail would be too good to pass up."

She had seared the image of the Seeker's decorated wings into her processor and saved it for that purpose, as well as for her own personal amusement. She only hoped that one day they might buy her the real coordinates of the Allspark. Perhaps she should consider getting in-touch with Lockdown once again. Of course, she'd have to half-heartedly apologize first—it was likely that the mech didn't take well to being beaten last time. With these thoughts in mind, Blackarachnia watched the last signs of Starscream disappear in a thin trail of smoke before transforming and scuttling back into her own place in the forest. They would meet again, she believed, and perhaps not on the best of terms.

 **A/N: If you would like another chapter, I will consider making one. I'm not going to offer any guarantees, as the last time I promised a chapter update it took me four years and counting to get it done (it's actually still not done yet). But, seeing as how I ACTUALLY UPDATED SOMETHING KIND OF, it's possible that something else may come of this. But like I said…that's up to you all! ^D^ Also, feel free to leave constructive criticisms if you'd like. I'm trying to learn how to prepare my tender soul for critique, so if you some, feel free to give it! ^U^**


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